lost youth

i'm 35. my ex was 19.

recently, i've learned i've got a type: young, pretty, vital, and curious.

they say you're attracted to energy you're missing.

so after my most recent break up, I've done introspection to understand why.

the finding was: sex and relationships - to me - has barely been about sex.

it's more about the intimacy post sex and comfort within relationships that allows my repressed parts to surface

my repressed part of feeling foolish, yet alive.

i think most people have this struggle, where their self-identity and the social role they've got to play conflict.

for myself, it's an innate romanticised worldview of good intents bring good results, conflicting with a sober truth that us humans are selfish beings who respond to their own impulses and incentives, not good intents.

and I guess young lovers is my proxy for pristine beliefs i abandoned.

environment taught me to sacrifice gratification to pursue knowledge, as knowledge brings power.

i now possess a unique power, but grieve for lost youth looking back, yearn for foolish mistakes i never made.

i made the right trade. but i want to feel wrong.